Tick, Tick, Tick

No baby yet. I feel like a ticking time bomb. When I call someone, I have to start with, "No, I'm not in labor." In a weird way, it's kind of fun to have so much power - one call from me and about six or seven people drop everything and head my way.

At this point, I would rather wait until after Christmas to have Madelyn. Of course most of all, I just want her to come when she is ready. But if I had to choose, I'd rather wait until after Christmas. That way, holiday plans won't be messed up, and we won't have to wait to open up presents :) I'm really excited about having Christmas at my house this year. I love to decorate for Christmas. One of the reasons I have a Christmas party each year is so I have a reason to decorate. This year we will actually open up presents under our tree and eat Christmas dinner on our china. It feels like I am officially a grown up now. I don't "go home" for Christmas; I have the home.

Inducing

Being almost 39 weeks pregnant is the strangest sensation. I feel like I have a bowling ball in my lap. I am so thankful that I am not working right now. I am certain that not working has helped me in this last stage of pregnancy. I salute all women who work up until they deliver.

Mitch and I have decided not to have me induced next week. My doctor gave us the choice, although he did say he doesn't normally advise inducing before the due date. We didn't bring the topic up. I guess he gets that request a lot, so he just gives the choice to everyone. Or maybe he assumed we wanted to try to get her here before the new year. The more I think about it, the more I am happy with our decision not to be induced next week. My due date isn't until Saturday, the 29th. This is going to sound silly, but inducing before then sounds like cheating. Now if there was a medical reason why I needed to deliver, that would be a completely different story. But just to do it out of convenience just doesn't seem right. Plus, I kind of like bringing back the element of surprise. When am I going to go into labor? It is fun to not know - at least for now. I might be singing a different tune next week when the bowling ball weighs more.

Blogging Habit

Why can't I get in the habit of keeping up with my blog? I have been trying to analyze this question this morning as I browse my friends' blogs. I feel guilty that A. I haven't kept up with reading my friends' blogs and B. I haven't kept up with my own. So to all of my blogging friends out there, I apologize. I do think about all of you often, and I do have an email relationship with most of you (as you know).

As anyone who knows me, you know that I am a ferocious journal keeper. I write in my journal at least once a week. And since I have not worked, I have been writing in it almost every day. But when it comes to blogging, well, it's just not a habit, I guess. I have come up with one theory of why I can't seem to latch onto the blogging habit. I will discuss this briefly, and then I will stop my analyzing because it is exhausting.

Theory:
Years and years ago when I first started to journal, I saw my journal as a current affairs news story. If I missed a few entries, I would feel the need to try to "update" my journal on all that had happened to me since my last entry. But updating wasn't nearly as fun as just writing my current thoughts and concerns. So, I would quickly give up. In college, I had an epiphany. My journal is MY journal. I don't have to update it - I can just write what is on my mind at the time, even if I haven't written in it in six months. When I realized this, I was free to write whatever I wanted. This, ironically, helped me write in it more because I wasn't tied down to the boring updating. Okay, so maybe the same thing is happening here! I feel the need to update. If I haven't blogged in a month or two and just jumped in and started talking about my current thoughts, you wouldn't understand it because I haven't been keeping everyone updated on what is going on in my life. So I guess I should just stop updating. If you don't understand something I write, you can ask me and I will clarify. But for now on, I am just going to write. And I just realized after re-reading this paragraph that most of you will probably think I am clinically insane when you read this. Oh well.

Today is my weekly OB doctor's appointment. We will see if I am any more dilated or effaced. Everybody keeps asking me how I feel. I also get sympathetic looks when I am waddling out in public. But to be honest, being this pregnant is not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Yes, I get out of breath very easily, and it is very uncomfortable to get behind the wheel (which is what a husband is for :), but I am not so miserable that I am cranky like Rachel was on Friends, Season 8. I tell you one thing, though. The heartburn is horrible! Although that problem has been better the last couple of days, so that is a major relief. Maybe that means Madelyn has dropped some! Getting up to pee three times a night is getting really, really old.

Depression, Pregnancy & Motherhood

Depression is a part of my past. I am not ashamed of it because winning the battle over depression is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It has shaped who I am today. But the possibility of depression returning will follow me around forever. When I went through counseling, I learned about signs of depression and coping mechanisms. I also learned how to read my own body. I know now that the signs of depression are loss of appetite, feelings of hopelessness or "things will never get better", feeling out of control, anxiety with no logical reason behind it, lack of energy, not getting pleasure out of things I normally enjoy, and insomnia. Well, for the past few weeks off and on, I have been suffering from insomnia. Now normally insomnia and anxiety and/or feelings of hopelessness fall hand and hand. This insomnia is different. I don't wake up panicked or with any type of hopelessness mentality. I just wake up in the middle of the night and am wide awake. This makes me think this insomnia is pregnant related and not depression related. However, because I have trained myself to be on the lookout for any depression signs, it is hard for me to just shrug it off as nothing. So far I have had no other symptoms, thankfully.

Depression has been on my mind lately because I am concerned about postpartum depression. My pregnancy book says you are more likely to have postpartum depression if:
depression runs in their family (check!)
you have had depression problems in the past (check!).
At my next OB appointment, I am going to bring this up with my doctor just so everyone knows that it is a possibility. Another area of concern for me is that I know my #1 trigger for depression is lack of sleep. And we all know parents of a newborn get very little sleep. And this brings me to yet another area of concern - breastfeeding. I really want to breastfeed, but if I need to get on anti-depressives, I am not sure I will be able to continue nursing.

So those are my concerns. Now I need to do the hard thing and not worry about them! I know it is a possibility. And I think it is important that everyone, especially Mitch and my doctor, be aware of this. But I do NOT want to sit and worry about it. Because you know what worrying can do? It can cause a depressive episode!! I know - crazy. That reminds me of the side effects of my migraine medicine I take (when I am not pregnant, of course). One the side effects is a headache! There is a fine line of being aware of a potential problem and worrying about a potential problem. Hopefully I won't (or haven't already) cross the line. As my mother-in-law wisely said, worrying is ALWAYS a choice.

Baby Registry Blues

Okay, so I have set up a registry at Target. It was a very long, frustrating process. Let me first say this - I LOVE registries when I am purchasing a gift. It takes all the guess work out of getting a gift for someone. However, registering is a slightly different story. Picking out baby things is entirely different than registering for wedding things. When I was engaged, I had so much fun registering! But I already knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted stainless steel cookware; I knew I wanted simple, but elegant china; I knew I didn't care about having silver. But I know NOTHING about baby stuff. And there are so many choices! For someone who has the slight tendency to over analyze, this has been quite a process. After it took me forty-five minutes of online research just to choose a bouncer, I asked for Mitch's opinion and got the "you're thinking about this too much, Tonya" look. I had to laugh because I realized he was absolutely right. So did I choose a bouncer? Yes. Am I absolutely set on it? No. And I have the right to change my mind. Bless Mitch and his patience.

Nursery

The nursery is on it's way! The painting is done and the carpet was professionally cleaned yesterday. My three nursery furniture items I recently ordered online have all shipped: the crib, the changing table/dresser, and glider. We received the glider yesterday. Once Mitch puts all those things together, I'll take a picture of the room with the furniture in it! I have no amazing insights today except that Leo graciously decided to help me get an idea of what it will be like to be kept up all night by the baby. He meowed, jumped up on stuff he wasn't supposed to, and banged on doors most of the night last night. Actually I think he was getting me back for having him locked up in our room while the carpet cleaners cleaned the living room yesterday.

Movie Recommendation

I watched Akeelah and the Bee yesterday and found it very enjoyable. It came out last year, so some of you may have seen it. Akeelah is a middle school African American studen from South L.A. that aspires to go to the national spelling bee in D.C. It is a "feel good - you can do anything once you put your mind to it" kind of movie. The cast includes Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett. Check it out!



http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0437800/



BTW: Want to know where I gain all my movie knowledge (and where this link above will take you to)? It is imdb.com (internet movie database). It is awesome.

Out of the Habit

My cousin just sent me a link to her new blog and it inspired me to start blogging again. Of course, by now everyone has stopped checking to see if I have posted, so it will be like talking to myself. Maybe if I can get in the habit again, I'll let people know I'm still here and gain my once interested public! :)

One of the main reasons I couldn't get into blogging for awhile is because when I found out I was pregnant back in April (I was actually pregnant when I posted my last entry, but I didn't know know yet :), I didn't feel comfortable writing about the pregnancy until I was further along. But being pregnant was ALL I was thinking about, reading about, dreaming about. So it was hard to come up with anything else. Plus, most of you who know me well know that I keep a private written journal that I have had for many years. My journaling needs are met by this journal. So, I got out of the habit of blogging, and before I knew it, it had been six months. Oh well.

Today is the day that I am finally going to finish painting the nursery! Back on Labor Day weekend, my mom, Mitch, my friend Meredith and I painted the walls. But I have been doing touch ups and painting the doors and baseboards on my own. I have been painting a little every day for two reasons: one so that I won't be in a room all day with paint fumes and another so I won't be on my feet all day and potentially straining my back. It has drawn out the process a lot, so I am very excited that will be over today! All I have left is the baseboards on two walls. Baseboards don't take long to paint, I have discovered.

I am going to order the baby furniture online now that I am done painting. I am ordering a crib, changing table/dresser and rocker from Target.com. The furniture is black which will look sharp in my light, pastel colored nursery. The walls are a light, mint green and the bedding and curtains are going to be lavender. I love green and purple together. I am then going to use brighter colored polka dots as accents on the bedding and walls to make it a little more "whimsical." I hope Madelyn will like it :)

I am enjoying being home right now. And I know I will look back on this time and be glad I had this time of leisure before Madelyn was born. I have been in an organizing frenzy lately. Back in July, Mitch and I had a yard sale with our friends Meredith and Andy. I went through all our clothes, books, movies and CDs then. But last week, I did it again. I am finally learning how to let go of things. I am determined to not be a pack rat. Clutter stresses me out. Through all this, I have also learned that going to the library to get books, especially fiction, is the best way to go. It is a waste of money to buy books at the new release price when I could find the same book at a yard sale in a year or two for a dollar. Because I enjoy literature so much, I like to have it in my house. But my house does not have to be Barnes & Noble. I can keep the books that really made an impact in my life and not hold onto those bestsellers I really enjoyed when they came out but now have lost their charm. It is interesting to see how my thought processes change over time. I think part of that is just growing up and maturing. And I think part of it is learning from my mistakes.

Flower Garden

I haven' t written on here in a long time! I know my avid readers are very disappointed. There has been a major change in my life since the last post. I am not working right now. That's right, I am a full-fledged housewife. This is probably not going to be a permanent change, but it is what was needed for my circumstances. Since I am not in front of a computer all day, I just simply forget to write on here! But I am not bored. And yesterday is a great example.

Mitch and I do not have green thumbs. I feel guilty about this. Because we live in Suburbia, America, I feel like we are supposed to want the best looking yard on the block. But that is simply not true. We do want our yard to look tidy, but we aren't out to win any awards. We have this flower bed in the front yard where the former owners used to plant flowers. It has been overgrown by weeds and grass since we moved in. We knew we needed to work in this area, but we just simply didn't know what to do and how to do it. So, we have been doing some online research and checked out some library books and decided we would get rid of the weeds and grass and plant two small bushes and cover the area with new mulch. Yesterday, we did just that! I was so proud of us. To the green thumbers, it is nothing to brag about. But it looks decent now and that is all we care about. Yay!

Motivation

Thank you for all of your comments and support on my last post! They were very encouraging. Today I bought another walking-in-place workout DVD. I'm coming to realize that variety in my workout routine keeps me motivated. You would think, if you knew me in person, that it would be the opposite. Normally, I am a big advocate of having a routine. But I guess until exercising becomes a part of my routine, I need to keep things exciting and new. I suppose we all need a little unpredictability in our lives. The problem with exercising is I can't do anything too strenuous because of my bad back. Walking, however, is doctor approved and encouraged! So, these walking-in-place workouts are a great invention.

I have read up on motivation. Most experts say you should visualize what you want to achieve. For me, the perfect mental image for losing weight is imagining Mitch and I relaxing on a Caribbean cruise. Cruises, however relaxing they might seem to most people, have always been intimidating to me because of the casual attire. In the cruise commercials, all the women are in bathing suits or tank tops (and they are all thin, of course). Well, because of my weight and insecurities, I have a hard time wearing swimsuits in public. I know it sounds silly, and you are probably thinking, "Oh, just don't worry about that! No one cares what you look like in a swim suit." But for me, it is much, much more than that. You see, I am not just battling weight loss or how to control my eating habits; I am battling to win back my self confidence. To comfortably be able to walk around a cruise ship wearing a swimsuit means not only I lost weight, but that I gained back my self confidence.

So, in honor of this motivational exercise, Mitch and I have decided that we are going to set up a cruise fund. Every time I reach a goal of mine, we are going to put some money in our fund. And, when I have won the battles, Mitch and I will set sail with swimsuits and self confidence in tow!

Am I Crazy?

I hate this time change. It takes me about a week to adjust to it. And I really don't know why. Being a morning person, you would think that I wouldn't mind getting up an hour earlier. But it just throws off my whole system. I feel behind all the time.

If you are wondering why I haven't really posted anything about my "healthy goals" lately, it is not because I'm not keeping up with them. It is because Meredith, Crystal and I have set up a blog specifically to keep up with our goals and our progress. Just to give a quick update on here, I have had a really hard time walking at night after work. I finally made the decision last week to start getting up early to walk. This morning was the first day and I did a 15-minute walking-in-place video. Hopefully I will be able to keep this up this week.

I had a meltdown Saturday night about carrot cake. You see, Mitch and I had been at my parents' house celebrating my birthday (it was the first weekend both of us could do it.) My mom made my favorite type of cake - carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. Over the course of a day and a half, I ate 3 pieces. My mom gave us the leftovers to take back with us Saturday night. On the drive home, I started dwelling over the rest of that cake that was lying in my back seat. It was taunting me. I wanted that cake all to myself. I didn't want to share with co-workers or neighbors. I wanted to get a fork and eat it all myself. But the other side of me knew that was wrong. So, I spent a good 15 minutes going back and forth in my mind about what to do with that cake. Finally, because of this internal struggle, I started to cry. Mitch listened to me complain about the cake and my predicament. By the time we got home, (which is an hour drive,) I finally made the decision to throw it away. So, being the wonderful husband that he is, Mitch "took care of" the cake as soon as we got home. I didn't even have to look at it again.
I want to know 2 things:

Am I crazy for struggling this much over food?

What would a normal, healthy person have done in my situation? Would they have refused the leftovers? Would they have requested not to have carrot cake as birthday cake since it is such a temptation?

Spring Fever

The weather right now is gorgeous! I have major spring fever, which is sort of a new experience for me. I'm not usually this desperate to get outside. I mean most of my hobbies are sort of inside activities. And to quote Jack Dawson from Titanic, "I seem more like an inside girl." But this year is different. Yesterday, on my lunch break, I took a walk in the park. And I want to do something outside this weekend. We are visiting my parents this weekend and I hope it doesn't rain so we can all go on a picnic.

I am listening to a Danielle Steel book in my car. I know, I know...it is the reader's junk food. But it was in the bargain bin at the bookstore and listening to books in the car help makes the commute seem quicker. Anyway, as you might have guessed, I am disappointed in it. I have never read any of her books before. I want to cut about every other paragraph. She goes into too much detail! Most of the time, I am thinking, "OK, I get it. She is excited about going home and her boyfriend is a jerk for not understanding how important her family is to her - get on with it!" What is sort of a paradox is I usually enjoy detailed books. I think why I don't like the detail in this book is that the characters are flat. This sister is the artistic one, this boyfriend is the caring one, this guy is the jerk, this sister is the beautiful one, etc. There is no development. I want to see the progression of why someone is the way they are.
The bottom line is I am not a fan. I know why it was in the bargain bin.

A Blessed Life

Today is an absolutely beautiful day in Alabama. I wish I was at the park instead of at work. I like this time of year when I can begin to bring out my sandals. I hate wearing socks and hose.

Today is my grandparent's wedding anniversary. As many of you know, my grandfather passed away last November. My thoughts and prayers are out to my grandmother today. I cannot imagine spending 50+ years with one man and then trying to bear things without him.

I was reminded today of how blessed my life is. I complain about silly things like wanting to lose weight or not having any vacation days built up yet with my job, but really I have no reason to complain at all. I have a roof over my head and an abundance of food. I have a closet full of clothes. I have a wonderful husband who loves and cares for me. I have loving parents who would give anything for me and a great relationship with my in-laws. I have a car - a RELIABLE car. I have books, DVDs, and CDs of all different types and flavors to keep me entertained until I die. I have no right to cry over being overweight or sulk because we can't take a week's vacation to go to the beach.

It is Finally Here!

The Oscars are underway, but none of the major awards have been announced yet. So, I want to let everyone know my official picks. They are the same as what I initially predicted with one major change - I think Letters from Iwo Jima will win Best Picture instead of The Departed.

So, happy Oscar Night everyone! Let's see how well I picked this year...

Girls Rule, Boys Drool

Well done, ladies of American Idol! The ladies were much better than the boys last night!!! There were 4 that really stood out to me - Lakisha (the last to go) was awesome, but I hope Stephanie (the 1st to go) doesn't get forgotten. Sabrina was really good and so was Melinda Doolittle (the former background singer). I think Jordin is a wildcard (the 17-year-old). She was really good last night and with a little more practice, I think she could blow people away. Sabrina mentioned a strategy that I have been saying since Season 1 - don't sing ballads!!! Ballads don't have a good track record.
Here is my advice:
Choose upbeat songs with strong vocals. And don't choose a song that we have all heard a million times. A perfect example of what NOT to sing would be R.E.S.P.E.C.T. How many times has that song been used in commercials and movies?! Sing something that people may recognize, but don't know so well that we could hear it in our sleep. Of course, I know all the contestants, and America, are dying to hear what I have to say!

So, here is who I think will go home:
Girls - Amy Krebs & Antonella Barba. I'm making Leslie Hunt an alternate.
Guys - Rudy Cardenas & Nicholas Pedro. I'm making Paul Kim an alternate.

Check out http://www.americanidol.com if you are interested in more detail about the contestants.

Tune in tomorrow for my official Academy Awards picks!

Updates, Cold, & American Idol

Updates: Had a cold over the weekend; took some time off of walking to get over the cold; had 2 of the busiest days at work thus far; haven't had time to be online in several days.

Last night, I got back to walking. It was hard. I felt really weak when I finished. I don't think I ate enough during the day, probably because I was so busy, I barely noticed I was hungry. But I am proud of myself for walking last night. That is the hardest thing to a fitness program - making yourself start again when life gets in the way. So, hopefully I will be able to walk again tonight.

Last night I was NOT impressed with the guys on American Idol. It is hard to have your own opinion about the songs when you hear the judges' opinions. But I think I can say that I wasn't impressed with the song choices BEFORE the judges said so. We'll see how the girls do tonight. I like American Idol. It is the only reality show I enjoy. Most other reality shows seem so far from reality that is difficult to watch. Who goes on national television to find a boyfriend? Or live with a bunch of strangers? I mean, we all know the real reason they are on these shows - to get publicity! So, it is all so very fake to me. But American Idol is different. There is no pretention because gaining publicity is the whole point of the show. Of course, I fully believe that some of the stuff on American Idol is staged, especially some of those "bad" auditions.

An Update & Some Big News

Last week, I started the "Walk Away the Pounds" 6-week program. I walked every day I was supposed to for as long as I was supposed to. I'm proud of myself. I walked 2 miles on Saturday!! The other 4 days I walked one mile. I can't quite get to the required speed yet, but I'm not too worried about that. I know that if I keep at it, I will eventually be able to do it. I only got in my water twice last week. Oh well.

But on to much bigger news. This past weekend, my best friend in all the world got engaged!!!! I am so happy for her. I can't believe we are going to be two ole' married women :)

One Decision

First, let me update on my goals. I have completed my walking every night this week, and I drank 64 oz. of water yesterday and Monday, but not Tuesday. Not bad! Tonight is a free night - there is no scheduled walking according the program.

Today is a huge mile marker in my life. Ten years ago today, I made a decision that would completely change my life forever. I stood up for myself and finally told someone, "No." I don't really want to go into the details on here. This decision, though, was something that I don't think anyone thought I had the self confidence to do. In fact, I didn't. The only explanation I have for this is the Holy Spirit. I didn't know why I did what I did, just that I knew it had to be done. And when I acknowledged that, I was filled with the strength to do it.

I can't believe it has been 10 years. In some ways, it seems like a lifetime ago. I am a completely different person than I was then. The Tonya back then was suffering from depression. That time in my life is sort of hazy in my mind. Depression was such a part of my life, that it clouds my mind's images. Depression zaps all energy from life. It is being mentally trapped in some cold, dark, small place. Your mind has been stuffed down this hole. Everywhere you look, you see nothing but the black abyss that surrounds you. It isn't just feeling sad. I would wake up and not be able to get out of bed. Not because I was sad, but because I had absolutely no reason to do so. All I could see was the nothingness. And who wants to get out of bed and face that?

On the flip side, today I can get out of bed each morning and face each day with possibilities. I am no longer stuck in that hole. I can see clearly and make decisions with confidence. Now, this change wasn't overnight. And, just like anyone else, I have my bad days. But, that helping of strength I gained ten years ago is still there, guiding me.

One Day Down

First of all, let me say...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MEREDITH!


Yesterday was my first day of the 6-week walking program "Walk Away the Pounds." You were supposed to walk a mile in 30 minutes, and I did just that. I walked a mile on the treadmill and I did it in 28 minutes. Yay! I also drank 64 oz. yesterday. Tonight I have to do the same thing. Tonight I am going to walk while American Idol is on.

I was unsure I could walk a mile because I am so out of shape. But I did it, and it wasn' t horrible. I was proud of myself. A part of me is scared my back is going to start hurting in a few days. That is the problem with back pain - it doesn't happen right away. It is a gradual thing. Whenever I start a new activity, I have to wait a few days before I can really tell how it will affect my back. So far, so good though. They say that walking is the best exercise for your back.

In the "Walk Away the Pounds" book, she has a lot of success story blurbs. One of these is a woman that suffered from migraine headaches. But once she started the program, she never had another migraine. I wonder if that could happen to me. I never thought about my migraines being associated with being overweight or out of shape. When I started getting migraines, though, I was in high school. I was young, healthy, and full of energy. So I don't know about that. I guess we'll see.

New Goals

Meredith, Crystal and I met last night at Meredith's house to discuss our "healthy goals" for last month and set new ones for February. Nobody was perfect last month. But I think we are making a big step in just talking about it and focusing on setting these new habits. This month, we will continue to strive to break old habits and form new habits. We are going to keep in touch at least once a week to see how we are doing.

MY GOALS (for privacy reasons, I am not going to post Meredith & Crystal's goals. They can certainly post their goals on a comment, if they would like :)

Drink 64 oz. of water a day 5 times a week. I'm getting better and better at this. It is definitely becoming a habit of mine. But I didn't just start last month. I've actually been working on drinking water and cutting out cokes for quite some time.

Stick to the "Walk Away the Pounds" 6-week program. I am excited about this. I bought this book last week that lays out a 6-week program for walking. The first week you start out by walking 1 mile a day. By the last week, you are walking 3 miles a day. It has a lot of helpful hints to keep the walking interesting. The author has videos you can buy that are like aerobics videos, only it is walking in place. Because I have a treadmill, I am going to do my walking on it at first, at least to make sure I stay consistent. Once I get more advanced, I might try a video. Of course, when it gets warmer and stays lighter longer, I can go outside!


Last month none of us reached our goals, so we didn't earn our rewards. I think that is a sign that we set our goals too high. This month, we set up a point system. We earn points, and when we earn a certain number of points, we are rewarded. We get a point for each goal we reach daily. We can earn a maximum of 5 points for each goal a week. So, we could each potentially earn a total of 10 points each week. Last night at our meeting, we forgot to set how many points would get us a reward, so I will have to update this when we decide on that.

MY REWARDS:
1) A movie
2) A portable CD player

I'm a little late

Calling all H.P. fans!!

Since H.P. VII's release date was announced, Harry has been on my mind. Mitch and I have a debate on a certain character. There are soooooooooooo many opinions out there on this very topic, and blogging about this is so "last year." But I didn't have a blog when this topic was fresh, so I am doing it now. Here it goes:

Is Snape good or not?

Reading While Driving

You know what I love? Books on CD. Now that I have a long commute, I find books on CD a great way to pass the time in the car. I like to listening to mysteries the best because it really makes the time fly! I mean, my one hour commute feels like as long as a TV commercial. It is amazing. You know what else I like about books on CD? It allows me to read more than one book at a time. Having a book at home that I am reading and a book in the car allows me to have the time to "read" more.

Currently I am reading:
Outlander by Diana Gabaldon at home
The Pact: A Love Story by Jodi Picoult in the car

Speaking of books, did you hear? Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows is coming out in July!!!! I am excited but also sad. I don't want this series to end.

Pain in the Back

Today marks the one year anniversary of that fateful day when the disc in my back herniated. Wow, a lot can happen in one year. That is the worst pain I have experienced . It would be 3 long months of physical therapy and chiropractors before we finally decided surgery was the only solution. Oddly enough, a week after my back injury, my father had major back surgery. He had been suffering for several years with back pain, and had recently seen a physician here in Birmingham who told him he needed surgery. Needless to say, my dad and I (and our spouses) had a rough year. I am thankful that my dad and I are pain-free this year!

My Alter Ego

One of my favorite quotes from FRIENDS, is when Monica says, "I need to do this for the fat girl inside of me. I never let her eat!" I adopted that quote a couple of years ago to represent my own battle with weight loss. Anyone who has talked to me lately has probably heard me refer to the "Fat Tonya." No, I don't have multiple personality disorder. But I find it helpful to compartmentalize my negative self image, inability to control my cravings, and overall feeling of failure for not losing weight. I discovered that Fat Tonya (F.T.) lies to me to get what she wants. And what does F.T. want? She wants to be fat, of course! Here are some lies F.T. tells me:

You blew it at lunch eating fast food. You might as well blow it for the rest of the day.

You are really hungry. You need to eat more than one serving to compensate.

You are stressed right now. You need to eat something bad to feel better.

Don't pay attention to what people regard as "healthy." Everyone says something different, so you might as well just eat what you want.

You don't want to be regarded as a "health nut."

You are ugly because you are overweight.


You know you will never succeed, so you might as well quit now.

And there are many, many more. These are the feelings that I face almost on a daily basis. It took me years (yes, I mean years) to just discover that these lies existed, AND to be able to pinpoint specific lies.


So, this weekend I discovered another lie. It ties into a lot of the ones mentioned above, but I think it deserves to be by itself. The lie is, "It is impossible to eat healthy at home when you are working full-time." This is the lie that F.T. says when I'm at the grocery store. And F.T. has it partly right on this one. It IS hard to cook dinner every night when I don't get home until 6:00 to begin with. I mean, sometimes you just have to break out the "Skillet Sensation" even though it is loaded with unhealthy carbs and sugar. However, I have come up with a way to sort of get around this issue. I cook the "Skillet Sensation." But, instead of having the 1 cup serving like it suggests on the nutrition facts, I eat 1/2 cup of the "Skillet Sensation" and fill up on frozen veggies that are easy to cook. Now, some people will read this and say, "Well, duh!" But these ideas don't come easily for me. For 15 some-odd years, my mind has been developing F.T. and her lies. And for 15 years I have been listening to her without even acknowledging her existence. So, the fact that I can coherently write down what F.T. is telling me and find ways to prove her wrong, is a HUGE step. I can feel F.T. losing her strength. She still has a lot of fight in her, but slowly and surely, she is fading. Last week is a perfect example. Remember the chocolate bar? Well, I didn't eat it in one sitting. I actually had a 1/3 of a bar each day for three days!! I bought my pullover as my reward (read Chocolate Battle). One of these days, I will proudly be able to stand up with a carrot in my hand, look in the mirror and declare,
"Be gone, Fat Tonya!"

Living in Style

Tomorrow, God willing, our new living room furniture will be delivered! Let me tell you how excited I am. The furniture we did have in the living room were hand-me-downs that were proabably close to 30 years old. We have been saving money for this, and it has finally arrived (or will, tomorrow)! We bought a chocolate-brown leather couch and matching recliner. And we bought a coffee table and matching end tables.

Woohoo!

Chocolate Battle

Yesterday at lunch, I bought a big, Dove dark chocolate bar. The package says that 1/3 of the bar is one serving. Now, I can eat one of those bars in one sitting without blinking. But I am trying to teach myself the art of "moderation." So, I made a deal with myself. If I can make this chocolate bar (that is currently in my desk drawer) last 3 days, with only eating one serving each day, then this weekend I will buy this pullover I have my eye on. So far, so good. I only had 1/3 of it yesterday. Now I just need to make it through today.

This is why I don't like diets. Diets don't teach you anything. Sure, I can lay off the carbs or fat ( or whatever the diet says is bad) for a few weeks and lose weight. Anyone can do that. But then, after a few weeks when my motivation is shot and I "cheat," I go right back to my old eating habits. I was on the South Beach Diet last year. I had been doing so well. I hadn't cheated once! And then, about 3 or 4 weeks into it, I had a bad day and ate a cheeseburger and fries from Wendy's. I sat in my car and cried while I ate it. Dieting is not the answer. All I feel like when I'm on a diet is that I'm depriving myself. I want to create a healthy lifestyle - not just a diet. To me, a diet is like a "get rich, quick" scheme. And a healthy lifestyle is like a long-term investment plan.

I wish I was one of those people that doesn't struggle with their eating habits. Yes, they have a chocolate bar every once in a blue moon, or eat a little more than usual over the holidays, but on a daily basis, they eat well. They don't have to focus on cutting out carbs or fat or sugar. They just eat well and don't over-do it. If they aren't hungry and someone offers them some cake, they say, "No, thank you." And they don't look back. Food is a HUGE part of my life. I think about it all the time. Do you think I forgot about that chocolate bar yesterday after I had my serving? No way. In fact, I thought about it this morning in the shower. I'm thinking about it right now. Getting healthy is so hard for me and is going to take a long time. Each day is a battle.

And the Nominees are...

Oscar nominations were announced yesterday!! I know you all are excited. Here is my first impression of who might win the major categories.

Note: These are not my final picks. I have the right to change my mind. I also haven't seen a lot of these movies, so my guesses are sometimes solely based on reviews I have read. I will update when I have had a chance to investigate further. I also want to make this distinction: these are movies I think will win; not necessarily movies I think should win. I am not automatically giving these movies a "good review" by saying they might win.

Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

Best Director
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu - Babel
Martin Scorsese - The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima - Clint Eastwood
Stephen Frears - The Queen
Paul Greengrass - United 93

Best Actor in a Leading Role
Leonardo DiCaprio - Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling - Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole - Venus
Will Smith - The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker - The Last King of Scotland

Best Actress in a Leading Role
Penelope Cruz - Volver
Judi Dench - Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren - The Queen
Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet - Little Children

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Alan Arkin - Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley - Little Children
Djimon Hounsou - Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg - The Departed

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Adriana Barraza - Babel
Cate Blanchett - Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin - Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel

(All information found on http://www.oscars.org)

Will you be my neighbor?

I was amused this morning when I got to work, because I realized that I reminded myself of Mr. Rogers.

Do you remember the beginning of Mr. Rogers' show? He would come into his house, take off his jacket, hang it up, get his cardigan off the rack, put it on, and sit down. This always sort of puzzled me as a kid. Why did he take one jacket off, just to put another one on? I always found that to be sort of unrealistic. I mean, my dad never did that (and, when you are a kid, you think your parents are normal, and the rest of the world is weird. It isn't until you are older that you realize your parents are weird right along with everyone else.) Well, this morning, I realized I am Mr. Rogers. Every morning, when I come to work, I take off my jacket, hang it up, take my sweater off of the back of my chair, put it on, and sit down.

Hehe, that amuses me :)

Baby Steps

I didn't dig into the trash for those M&Ms. In fact, after about an hour, I even forgot about them for awhile!

Here is an update on my goals for this month:
Drink 64 ounces of water each day: The past 2 days are the FIRST days I have drunk all 64 ounces of water. The good news is that even though I didn't reach 64 ounces on the other days, I got really close on most of those days. And, I didn't drink Coke or anything else. I think I overshot thinking I could just immediately be able to drink 64 ounces every day.

Track my calories each day: I have only kept up with my calories 3 days out of the month. Again, I think I overshot. Keeping up with calories is not an easy task when you aren't used to doing it.

Does this mean I have failed? A year or two ago, I would have said yes. In fact, I wouldn't have told anyone about the goals. And I certainly wouldn't have admitted that I hadn't kept up with the goals. This year is different. Two years ago, I would have been drinking Coke instead of water. A year ago, the thought of keeping up with my calories sounded impossible. Baby steps. And no matter how small, these are steps in the right direction.

Be My Witness

I am a compuslive eater. I eat for many different reasons (besides because I'm hungry). Probably my #1 reason to overeat is when I feel out of control. Control is a big thing to me. It has taken me years to figure this out about myself. When I have anxiety, feel depressed, or find myself craving something sweet to "pig out on," it ALWAYS comes back to feeling out of control. I don't like surprises (unless they are good ones ). I like to know what is going to happen so I can plan for things. And, as everyone knows, life is constantly throwing little surprises your way.

Today, I was given a surprise. It was a rather small surprise in comparison, but a surprise nonetheless. I would rather not discuss it on here, but lets just say that I had a confrontation with someone. It has all been resolved now, but all morning long, I was dwelling over this situation. And so, do you know what I did at lunch? I got a 1/2 pound bag of peanut M&M's to have at my desk so I could munch on them this afternoon. Why? Why do I think overeating will solve my problems? I'm addicted. I'm addicted to the comfort that food gives me. That sounds crazy, doesn't it. But it's true! So, everyone here today is going to be my witness. I'm going to imagine that everyone can see me. I have had two handfuls of those M&M's, and I'm going to throw the rest of the bag away right now. Right now, here I go...

I did it! Now, I'm going to finish my water at my desk. If I do get hungry this afternoon, I have some yogurt in the frig that I can have. And tomorrow I will check in and tell you what happened.

Playing scotch-hop...I mean hopscotch

When Mitch and I were at the beach for New Years weekend, we found ourselves at the arcade on a rainy New Years Eve. There was hardly anyone there, and Mitch and I had the courage to try out that dance arcade game. The VERY easy beginners mode was all we could handle. But I enjoyed it. Mitch was so excited that I liked a "video game," that he bought the home version for his Xbox. We tried it out last night.

With this game, if you step when and where it tells you, I think the objective is to look like a groovin, hip-hop, night club dancing master. Mitch and I? We looked more like two drunk old men trying to play hopscotch. We did manage to catch on a little, and by the time we quit for the evening, we could actually finish the steps for several of the songs. I think it will be awhile before we are ready to hit the club dance floor.

Even though we made fools of ourselves, it is quite entertaining! If anyone is ever in the mood to laugh at yourself and your partner for your lack of cordination, come on by!

Prince Leopold

Some might scoff at having pictures of pets on your blog. But if you have a problem with me, you will have to deal with this!

A Paradox

Yesterday I had a very busy day at work. In other words, it was a good day. I am finding out something about myself. I have more energy at home after work if I have a busy, productive day, than on the slow, not-so busy days. And I'm usually in a better mood as well.
I remember when I was a child, my mom would tell me to clean my room. If I protested, (which was often) she would say, "But you will feel so much better when you are done." I never wanted to acknowledge that she was right. But, after I had picked up my toys off the floor and put away my clean clothes, I did always feel better somehow. Now why was that? It could be partly be that I have always wanted things orderly. I don't like chaos. But there may be another reason. We, as humans, want to feel productive. We want to be able to look at something and say, "Look at what I did?" We want to feel needed and important.

That paragraph sounded a bit like a sermon didn't it? I apologize. I didn't mean to lecture :)

Cable Company Shuffle

Remember those books that gave you different endings? You would read the beginning of the story, and then, at some point, it would say, "If you think little Tommy should go into the woods after his dog, go to page 54; if you think he should chase after the frog, go to page 27." Well, that is sort of how I felt yesterday with our cable company's customer service reps. Between Mitch and I, we had four telephone conversations, each of them so varied in the response to, "Our DVR that you just installed doesn't record," that I just HAD to share.

Telephone conversation #1:
Mitch called and told them the DVR doesn't work. He asked if the service guy could come back out. The rep told him that the service guy would call him back. Mitch waited for a couple of hours and no one called back and no one showed up. (We found out later that they scheduled for the service guy to come back out on Monday between 8 and 10, but no one bothered to call Mitch and inform him of this.)

Telephone conversation #2:
Mitch was sick of dealing with them. So, I decided to call while I was still at work. The service rep refused to speak to me because my name was not on the account. I told her that I was Mitchell's wife and could give her our account number. I also told her that I was the one that set up the service guy to come out to the house in the first place. She began to LECTURE ME on customer service ethics. I was polite and hung up on her. And I mean that. If I had kept talking to her, curse words would have been involved. I knew the most polite thing to do was to hang up.

Telephone conversation #3:
I called again while I was on my commute home. This time, the fact that my name wasn't on the account was not an issue. This rep sounded half way intelligent. I told her our problem, she put me on hold to talk to the tech guys. She came back and said that it looks like when the service guy was at the house and set up the DVR box, he forgot to enter the serial number of the box into the computer. Therefore, the box wasn't being recognized. She told me that when I got home, to call back and give the service rep our serial number and our problems should be solved. I asked her if there was any way I could get her again, and she said no.

Telephone conversation #4:
I called back with the serial number in my hand. When I explained to the service rep that came on the line about the serial number, there was this long pause. She asked for the serial number. Then she said that the serial number is already in the computer. She put me on hold to talk to a tech guy again. She came back and told me that it looks like when the cable company received this DVR box from the manufacturer, they didn't put it in the computer as a DVR box. They entered it as a regular cable box. That is why it wasn't recording. She told me another service guy would come out next week to give us another box, and they would waive our first month of DVR service. Mitch got on the line at this point and said that wasn't good enough. So, they gave us free On-Demand movies for a month as well.

OK, so let's recap, shall we? The responses we got to, "Our DVR doesn't work," were as follows:
"Someone will call you back [as I secretly enter a service call appointment the you won't know about]."
"I can't talk to you becuase you are not Mitchell."
"The serial number isn't in the computer."
"The serial number is in the computer, but the DVR box is defecteive"

If you think we should do a dance around the DVR box to get it to work, go to page 25; if you think we should throw the DVR box through the window and hit the service guy in the head, go to page 67.

The Five Senses

I love the sound of...

• an orchestra warming up
• bacon sizzling
• my cat purring
• an acapella choir
• an English accent

I love the smell of...

• movie popcorn
• coffee
• peaches
• dryer sheets
• old books

I love the feel of...

• my favorite blanket
• my cat's fur
• a hot shower
• a fat book
• a hug from Mitch

I love the taste of...

• freshly baked chocolate chip cookies
• my mom's pot roast
• warm homemade bread with butter
• M&M's melting in my mouth

I love to look at...

• my husband's smile
• a sunrise
• the mountains
• the trees in the fall
• freshly fallen snow
• my cat when he is sleeping

My Mediocrity

One of my favorite movies is Amadeus. It is one of those movies that, when mentioned, I must say in reverence, "Good movie." One of the reasons I admire this film so much is its main theme.

The main character is not, as you might have guessed, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The main character is a competing composer who is never quite as good as Mozart. This movie focuses on those of us who fall under the mediocre category. It speaks to all of us, who may be slightly above average, but will never be as good as the people who are on the far right of the bell curve. Such is my life. I have talents, and consider myself well-rounded, but I am not truly great in any one particular way.

I remember when I took the ACT in college. Most of my friends received a 28 or higher. But no, I was average. I received a 25. And I was so embarrassed by that score.

What has reminded me of my mediocrity is reading other blog pages. Some of you out there have such a way of describing situations that leave me laughing or crying, and sometimes both. You can articulate your ideas in such an interesting and refreshingly unique way, that it leaves me breathless. I know I don't possess this talent.

I am not writing this so everyone will read this and say, "Oh, but you aren't average, Tonya!" I am writing this to remind myself of who I am. You can't move forward until you know where you are. I am not going to find the cure for cancer, or write a book that will leave the world in awe. What I can do is tell people what I have learned in my life so far. The experiences I have had in life are my own. I can tell people, for instance, what it is like to battle depression. I can tell people what it is like to battle being overweight. Sure, there are plenty of people who have experienced these things, but we all experience things in our own unique ways. And I firmly believe that one of the purposes of experiencing challenges, is so we can learn from our own and be able to guide people in the future. So, if you are looking for eye popping, mouth watering, mind boggling blogging, you might want to hit the "Next Blog" page. If, on the other hand, you are a fellow mediocrite and are just looking for a fresh look on life, then I might just have the cure.

Out with the old, in with the new

I am sorry to say that we are canceling our netflix membership. As my good friend Andy says, "Netflix takes out the spontaneity of renting movies." If we are not in the mood to watch the movies we receive, then they end up sitting on top of our DVD player for several weeks until we finally decide that we are never going to watch them and we turn them back in. And we are just wasting our money, I'm afraid. The final decision maker to cancel netflix, however, has been the decision to get DVR (Charter's equivalent of Tivo). We already have movie channels, and now, we can just set to record the movies we want with DVR. I know, how much more entertainment can we get, may I ask.

With movies on the mind, let me just say, "Happy Oscar Season, everyone!" The Oscars are a month and a half away. This is the season of good movies. I have to sit through the summer action-powered flicks and the teenage horror movies in the fall, to finally remember why I enjoy the art of movie-making. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed Pirates & X-Men this summer. And cheesy holiday movies get me through the last couple of months of the year. But this is it, ladies and gentlemen. The Superbowl of Hollywood. And I am going to enjoy this season!! No more planning weddings, going to night school, or recovering from back surgeries. I am going to see every movie nominated for Best Picture (the nominations will be out in a couple of weeks). And I am going to analyze and research my winning picks. And no one better call me on Sunday, February 25th unless you want to listen to me watching the Oscars!!!

Our Goals

Meredith and I met last night and here are our goals for the month.
Meredith:
1) Go to the gym Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, & Fridays. Do the elliptical machine and/or treadmill for at least 20 minutes each time.
2) Drink at least 32 oz. of water a day, but strive for 64 oz.

Tonya:
1) Drink 64 oz. of water a day.
2) Track calories on http://sparkpeople.com/ each day.

Meredith's rewards:
1) If she goes to the gym each week, then she can buy one new piece of clothing.
2) If she drinks her water 5 days out of each week of the month, then...(she is still thinking about this reward)

Tonya's rewards:
1) If I drink my water 5 days out of each week of the month, then I can pick out a movie I want to buy.
2) If I track my calories 5 days out of each week of the month, then I can buy that portable CD/radio I want for my desk at work.

We are focusing on developing healthy habits. We are not necessarily focusing on losing pounds. In fact, as Meredith puts it, "Losing weight will be just a good side effect," if we develop these habits. We are going to focus on a few each month. We are going to write down all the positive steps we take so we can see we are headed in the right direction to a healthier lifestyle, even if we don't lose any weight.

We are also not expecting to be perfect. We know there will be days where we will not meet our goals. And that is OK. That is why the rewards are not set up to receive if we do our goals EVERY day of the month. We are only expecting 5 days out of the week.

"I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; pefection is God's business." Michael J. Fox

The Beauties

Tonight, Meredith and I are meeting to discuss being accountability/encourager partners. We both want to lose weight and have a healthier lifestyle. So, I called her and asked if she wanted to meet once a month to discuss goals and sort of keep each other accountable. She thought it sounded like a good idea. So, tonight is the first meeting! I have temporarily called our little club "The Beauties." As in, we are beautiful!! Even though I want to lose weight, I think it is important to understand that skinny does NOT = beautiful. I have grown up with this idea in my head, and I want to change that philosophy. I need to believe that I am beautiful no matter what happens to my body. Because when I believe that, then I will have the confidence to make changes in my life. Or better yet, and this is going to sound corny and resembling a make-up commercial, I will believe that I am worth it. I will believe that my body is a beautiful piece of work that God created, and I should respect that body and treat it right.

2007

My 2007 Resolutions!

Join a church. Mitch and I have been attending a church off and on for over a year but haven't joined. There is no excuse. We have gone through a lot this year (i.e. my back surgery and Mitch working out of town over the summer). But there is still no excuse.

Continue on the path of developing healthy habits. If you read more of my blogs, you will hear more about this. But let me just say this. For the past 16 years, my resolution has been to lose weight. And every year, as I write down my resolution, I gulp down my helping of guilt because I have failed to lose those unwanted pounds. Well this year is different. I did not fail last year! I began to develop healthier habits. I have begun to look at food differently. And every little bit counts. So this year, no guilt. Notice the word "continue." I am not starting over. I am continuing on this path.

Correspondence. I think about my friends and family all the time. But I rarely share with them what and when I think about them. This year I am going to attempt to change that. Maybe when I think about someone I will pick up the phone or write a quick note to them.

Put up curtains. Mitch and I have lived in our house for almost 2 years and still don't have curtains!

Work on the yard. Hopefully, my back will cooperate with me and I can spend more time outside making our pitiful yard a little more appealing to the eyes.