Pain in the Back

Today marks the one year anniversary of that fateful day when the disc in my back herniated. Wow, a lot can happen in one year. That is the worst pain I have experienced . It would be 3 long months of physical therapy and chiropractors before we finally decided surgery was the only solution. Oddly enough, a week after my back injury, my father had major back surgery. He had been suffering for several years with back pain, and had recently seen a physician here in Birmingham who told him he needed surgery. Needless to say, my dad and I (and our spouses) had a rough year. I am thankful that my dad and I are pain-free this year!

My Alter Ego

One of my favorite quotes from FRIENDS, is when Monica says, "I need to do this for the fat girl inside of me. I never let her eat!" I adopted that quote a couple of years ago to represent my own battle with weight loss. Anyone who has talked to me lately has probably heard me refer to the "Fat Tonya." No, I don't have multiple personality disorder. But I find it helpful to compartmentalize my negative self image, inability to control my cravings, and overall feeling of failure for not losing weight. I discovered that Fat Tonya (F.T.) lies to me to get what she wants. And what does F.T. want? She wants to be fat, of course! Here are some lies F.T. tells me:

You blew it at lunch eating fast food. You might as well blow it for the rest of the day.

You are really hungry. You need to eat more than one serving to compensate.

You are stressed right now. You need to eat something bad to feel better.

Don't pay attention to what people regard as "healthy." Everyone says something different, so you might as well just eat what you want.

You don't want to be regarded as a "health nut."

You are ugly because you are overweight.


You know you will never succeed, so you might as well quit now.

And there are many, many more. These are the feelings that I face almost on a daily basis. It took me years (yes, I mean years) to just discover that these lies existed, AND to be able to pinpoint specific lies.


So, this weekend I discovered another lie. It ties into a lot of the ones mentioned above, but I think it deserves to be by itself. The lie is, "It is impossible to eat healthy at home when you are working full-time." This is the lie that F.T. says when I'm at the grocery store. And F.T. has it partly right on this one. It IS hard to cook dinner every night when I don't get home until 6:00 to begin with. I mean, sometimes you just have to break out the "Skillet Sensation" even though it is loaded with unhealthy carbs and sugar. However, I have come up with a way to sort of get around this issue. I cook the "Skillet Sensation." But, instead of having the 1 cup serving like it suggests on the nutrition facts, I eat 1/2 cup of the "Skillet Sensation" and fill up on frozen veggies that are easy to cook. Now, some people will read this and say, "Well, duh!" But these ideas don't come easily for me. For 15 some-odd years, my mind has been developing F.T. and her lies. And for 15 years I have been listening to her without even acknowledging her existence. So, the fact that I can coherently write down what F.T. is telling me and find ways to prove her wrong, is a HUGE step. I can feel F.T. losing her strength. She still has a lot of fight in her, but slowly and surely, she is fading. Last week is a perfect example. Remember the chocolate bar? Well, I didn't eat it in one sitting. I actually had a 1/3 of a bar each day for three days!! I bought my pullover as my reward (read Chocolate Battle). One of these days, I will proudly be able to stand up with a carrot in my hand, look in the mirror and declare,
"Be gone, Fat Tonya!"

Living in Style

Tomorrow, God willing, our new living room furniture will be delivered! Let me tell you how excited I am. The furniture we did have in the living room were hand-me-downs that were proabably close to 30 years old. We have been saving money for this, and it has finally arrived (or will, tomorrow)! We bought a chocolate-brown leather couch and matching recliner. And we bought a coffee table and matching end tables.

Woohoo!

Chocolate Battle

Yesterday at lunch, I bought a big, Dove dark chocolate bar. The package says that 1/3 of the bar is one serving. Now, I can eat one of those bars in one sitting without blinking. But I am trying to teach myself the art of "moderation." So, I made a deal with myself. If I can make this chocolate bar (that is currently in my desk drawer) last 3 days, with only eating one serving each day, then this weekend I will buy this pullover I have my eye on. So far, so good. I only had 1/3 of it yesterday. Now I just need to make it through today.

This is why I don't like diets. Diets don't teach you anything. Sure, I can lay off the carbs or fat ( or whatever the diet says is bad) for a few weeks and lose weight. Anyone can do that. But then, after a few weeks when my motivation is shot and I "cheat," I go right back to my old eating habits. I was on the South Beach Diet last year. I had been doing so well. I hadn't cheated once! And then, about 3 or 4 weeks into it, I had a bad day and ate a cheeseburger and fries from Wendy's. I sat in my car and cried while I ate it. Dieting is not the answer. All I feel like when I'm on a diet is that I'm depriving myself. I want to create a healthy lifestyle - not just a diet. To me, a diet is like a "get rich, quick" scheme. And a healthy lifestyle is like a long-term investment plan.

I wish I was one of those people that doesn't struggle with their eating habits. Yes, they have a chocolate bar every once in a blue moon, or eat a little more than usual over the holidays, but on a daily basis, they eat well. They don't have to focus on cutting out carbs or fat or sugar. They just eat well and don't over-do it. If they aren't hungry and someone offers them some cake, they say, "No, thank you." And they don't look back. Food is a HUGE part of my life. I think about it all the time. Do you think I forgot about that chocolate bar yesterday after I had my serving? No way. In fact, I thought about it this morning in the shower. I'm thinking about it right now. Getting healthy is so hard for me and is going to take a long time. Each day is a battle.

And the Nominees are...

Oscar nominations were announced yesterday!! I know you all are excited. Here is my first impression of who might win the major categories.

Note: These are not my final picks. I have the right to change my mind. I also haven't seen a lot of these movies, so my guesses are sometimes solely based on reviews I have read. I will update when I have had a chance to investigate further. I also want to make this distinction: these are movies I think will win; not necessarily movies I think should win. I am not automatically giving these movies a "good review" by saying they might win.

Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

Best Director
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu - Babel
Martin Scorsese - The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima - Clint Eastwood
Stephen Frears - The Queen
Paul Greengrass - United 93

Best Actor in a Leading Role
Leonardo DiCaprio - Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling - Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole - Venus
Will Smith - The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker - The Last King of Scotland

Best Actress in a Leading Role
Penelope Cruz - Volver
Judi Dench - Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren - The Queen
Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet - Little Children

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Alan Arkin - Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley - Little Children
Djimon Hounsou - Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg - The Departed

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Adriana Barraza - Babel
Cate Blanchett - Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin - Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel

(All information found on http://www.oscars.org)

Will you be my neighbor?

I was amused this morning when I got to work, because I realized that I reminded myself of Mr. Rogers.

Do you remember the beginning of Mr. Rogers' show? He would come into his house, take off his jacket, hang it up, get his cardigan off the rack, put it on, and sit down. This always sort of puzzled me as a kid. Why did he take one jacket off, just to put another one on? I always found that to be sort of unrealistic. I mean, my dad never did that (and, when you are a kid, you think your parents are normal, and the rest of the world is weird. It isn't until you are older that you realize your parents are weird right along with everyone else.) Well, this morning, I realized I am Mr. Rogers. Every morning, when I come to work, I take off my jacket, hang it up, take my sweater off of the back of my chair, put it on, and sit down.

Hehe, that amuses me :)

Baby Steps

I didn't dig into the trash for those M&Ms. In fact, after about an hour, I even forgot about them for awhile!

Here is an update on my goals for this month:
Drink 64 ounces of water each day: The past 2 days are the FIRST days I have drunk all 64 ounces of water. The good news is that even though I didn't reach 64 ounces on the other days, I got really close on most of those days. And, I didn't drink Coke or anything else. I think I overshot thinking I could just immediately be able to drink 64 ounces every day.

Track my calories each day: I have only kept up with my calories 3 days out of the month. Again, I think I overshot. Keeping up with calories is not an easy task when you aren't used to doing it.

Does this mean I have failed? A year or two ago, I would have said yes. In fact, I wouldn't have told anyone about the goals. And I certainly wouldn't have admitted that I hadn't kept up with the goals. This year is different. Two years ago, I would have been drinking Coke instead of water. A year ago, the thought of keeping up with my calories sounded impossible. Baby steps. And no matter how small, these are steps in the right direction.

Be My Witness

I am a compuslive eater. I eat for many different reasons (besides because I'm hungry). Probably my #1 reason to overeat is when I feel out of control. Control is a big thing to me. It has taken me years to figure this out about myself. When I have anxiety, feel depressed, or find myself craving something sweet to "pig out on," it ALWAYS comes back to feeling out of control. I don't like surprises (unless they are good ones ). I like to know what is going to happen so I can plan for things. And, as everyone knows, life is constantly throwing little surprises your way.

Today, I was given a surprise. It was a rather small surprise in comparison, but a surprise nonetheless. I would rather not discuss it on here, but lets just say that I had a confrontation with someone. It has all been resolved now, but all morning long, I was dwelling over this situation. And so, do you know what I did at lunch? I got a 1/2 pound bag of peanut M&M's to have at my desk so I could munch on them this afternoon. Why? Why do I think overeating will solve my problems? I'm addicted. I'm addicted to the comfort that food gives me. That sounds crazy, doesn't it. But it's true! So, everyone here today is going to be my witness. I'm going to imagine that everyone can see me. I have had two handfuls of those M&M's, and I'm going to throw the rest of the bag away right now. Right now, here I go...

I did it! Now, I'm going to finish my water at my desk. If I do get hungry this afternoon, I have some yogurt in the frig that I can have. And tomorrow I will check in and tell you what happened.

Playing scotch-hop...I mean hopscotch

When Mitch and I were at the beach for New Years weekend, we found ourselves at the arcade on a rainy New Years Eve. There was hardly anyone there, and Mitch and I had the courage to try out that dance arcade game. The VERY easy beginners mode was all we could handle. But I enjoyed it. Mitch was so excited that I liked a "video game," that he bought the home version for his Xbox. We tried it out last night.

With this game, if you step when and where it tells you, I think the objective is to look like a groovin, hip-hop, night club dancing master. Mitch and I? We looked more like two drunk old men trying to play hopscotch. We did manage to catch on a little, and by the time we quit for the evening, we could actually finish the steps for several of the songs. I think it will be awhile before we are ready to hit the club dance floor.

Even though we made fools of ourselves, it is quite entertaining! If anyone is ever in the mood to laugh at yourself and your partner for your lack of cordination, come on by!

Prince Leopold

Some might scoff at having pictures of pets on your blog. But if you have a problem with me, you will have to deal with this!

A Paradox

Yesterday I had a very busy day at work. In other words, it was a good day. I am finding out something about myself. I have more energy at home after work if I have a busy, productive day, than on the slow, not-so busy days. And I'm usually in a better mood as well.
I remember when I was a child, my mom would tell me to clean my room. If I protested, (which was often) she would say, "But you will feel so much better when you are done." I never wanted to acknowledge that she was right. But, after I had picked up my toys off the floor and put away my clean clothes, I did always feel better somehow. Now why was that? It could be partly be that I have always wanted things orderly. I don't like chaos. But there may be another reason. We, as humans, want to feel productive. We want to be able to look at something and say, "Look at what I did?" We want to feel needed and important.

That paragraph sounded a bit like a sermon didn't it? I apologize. I didn't mean to lecture :)

Cable Company Shuffle

Remember those books that gave you different endings? You would read the beginning of the story, and then, at some point, it would say, "If you think little Tommy should go into the woods after his dog, go to page 54; if you think he should chase after the frog, go to page 27." Well, that is sort of how I felt yesterday with our cable company's customer service reps. Between Mitch and I, we had four telephone conversations, each of them so varied in the response to, "Our DVR that you just installed doesn't record," that I just HAD to share.

Telephone conversation #1:
Mitch called and told them the DVR doesn't work. He asked if the service guy could come back out. The rep told him that the service guy would call him back. Mitch waited for a couple of hours and no one called back and no one showed up. (We found out later that they scheduled for the service guy to come back out on Monday between 8 and 10, but no one bothered to call Mitch and inform him of this.)

Telephone conversation #2:
Mitch was sick of dealing with them. So, I decided to call while I was still at work. The service rep refused to speak to me because my name was not on the account. I told her that I was Mitchell's wife and could give her our account number. I also told her that I was the one that set up the service guy to come out to the house in the first place. She began to LECTURE ME on customer service ethics. I was polite and hung up on her. And I mean that. If I had kept talking to her, curse words would have been involved. I knew the most polite thing to do was to hang up.

Telephone conversation #3:
I called again while I was on my commute home. This time, the fact that my name wasn't on the account was not an issue. This rep sounded half way intelligent. I told her our problem, she put me on hold to talk to the tech guys. She came back and said that it looks like when the service guy was at the house and set up the DVR box, he forgot to enter the serial number of the box into the computer. Therefore, the box wasn't being recognized. She told me that when I got home, to call back and give the service rep our serial number and our problems should be solved. I asked her if there was any way I could get her again, and she said no.

Telephone conversation #4:
I called back with the serial number in my hand. When I explained to the service rep that came on the line about the serial number, there was this long pause. She asked for the serial number. Then she said that the serial number is already in the computer. She put me on hold to talk to a tech guy again. She came back and told me that it looks like when the cable company received this DVR box from the manufacturer, they didn't put it in the computer as a DVR box. They entered it as a regular cable box. That is why it wasn't recording. She told me another service guy would come out next week to give us another box, and they would waive our first month of DVR service. Mitch got on the line at this point and said that wasn't good enough. So, they gave us free On-Demand movies for a month as well.

OK, so let's recap, shall we? The responses we got to, "Our DVR doesn't work," were as follows:
"Someone will call you back [as I secretly enter a service call appointment the you won't know about]."
"I can't talk to you becuase you are not Mitchell."
"The serial number isn't in the computer."
"The serial number is in the computer, but the DVR box is defecteive"

If you think we should do a dance around the DVR box to get it to work, go to page 25; if you think we should throw the DVR box through the window and hit the service guy in the head, go to page 67.

The Five Senses

I love the sound of...

• an orchestra warming up
• bacon sizzling
• my cat purring
• an acapella choir
• an English accent

I love the smell of...

• movie popcorn
• coffee
• peaches
• dryer sheets
• old books

I love the feel of...

• my favorite blanket
• my cat's fur
• a hot shower
• a fat book
• a hug from Mitch

I love the taste of...

• freshly baked chocolate chip cookies
• my mom's pot roast
• warm homemade bread with butter
• M&M's melting in my mouth

I love to look at...

• my husband's smile
• a sunrise
• the mountains
• the trees in the fall
• freshly fallen snow
• my cat when he is sleeping

My Mediocrity

One of my favorite movies is Amadeus. It is one of those movies that, when mentioned, I must say in reverence, "Good movie." One of the reasons I admire this film so much is its main theme.

The main character is not, as you might have guessed, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The main character is a competing composer who is never quite as good as Mozart. This movie focuses on those of us who fall under the mediocre category. It speaks to all of us, who may be slightly above average, but will never be as good as the people who are on the far right of the bell curve. Such is my life. I have talents, and consider myself well-rounded, but I am not truly great in any one particular way.

I remember when I took the ACT in college. Most of my friends received a 28 or higher. But no, I was average. I received a 25. And I was so embarrassed by that score.

What has reminded me of my mediocrity is reading other blog pages. Some of you out there have such a way of describing situations that leave me laughing or crying, and sometimes both. You can articulate your ideas in such an interesting and refreshingly unique way, that it leaves me breathless. I know I don't possess this talent.

I am not writing this so everyone will read this and say, "Oh, but you aren't average, Tonya!" I am writing this to remind myself of who I am. You can't move forward until you know where you are. I am not going to find the cure for cancer, or write a book that will leave the world in awe. What I can do is tell people what I have learned in my life so far. The experiences I have had in life are my own. I can tell people, for instance, what it is like to battle depression. I can tell people what it is like to battle being overweight. Sure, there are plenty of people who have experienced these things, but we all experience things in our own unique ways. And I firmly believe that one of the purposes of experiencing challenges, is so we can learn from our own and be able to guide people in the future. So, if you are looking for eye popping, mouth watering, mind boggling blogging, you might want to hit the "Next Blog" page. If, on the other hand, you are a fellow mediocrite and are just looking for a fresh look on life, then I might just have the cure.

Out with the old, in with the new

I am sorry to say that we are canceling our netflix membership. As my good friend Andy says, "Netflix takes out the spontaneity of renting movies." If we are not in the mood to watch the movies we receive, then they end up sitting on top of our DVD player for several weeks until we finally decide that we are never going to watch them and we turn them back in. And we are just wasting our money, I'm afraid. The final decision maker to cancel netflix, however, has been the decision to get DVR (Charter's equivalent of Tivo). We already have movie channels, and now, we can just set to record the movies we want with DVR. I know, how much more entertainment can we get, may I ask.

With movies on the mind, let me just say, "Happy Oscar Season, everyone!" The Oscars are a month and a half away. This is the season of good movies. I have to sit through the summer action-powered flicks and the teenage horror movies in the fall, to finally remember why I enjoy the art of movie-making. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed Pirates & X-Men this summer. And cheesy holiday movies get me through the last couple of months of the year. But this is it, ladies and gentlemen. The Superbowl of Hollywood. And I am going to enjoy this season!! No more planning weddings, going to night school, or recovering from back surgeries. I am going to see every movie nominated for Best Picture (the nominations will be out in a couple of weeks). And I am going to analyze and research my winning picks. And no one better call me on Sunday, February 25th unless you want to listen to me watching the Oscars!!!

Our Goals

Meredith and I met last night and here are our goals for the month.
Meredith:
1) Go to the gym Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, & Fridays. Do the elliptical machine and/or treadmill for at least 20 minutes each time.
2) Drink at least 32 oz. of water a day, but strive for 64 oz.

Tonya:
1) Drink 64 oz. of water a day.
2) Track calories on http://sparkpeople.com/ each day.

Meredith's rewards:
1) If she goes to the gym each week, then she can buy one new piece of clothing.
2) If she drinks her water 5 days out of each week of the month, then...(she is still thinking about this reward)

Tonya's rewards:
1) If I drink my water 5 days out of each week of the month, then I can pick out a movie I want to buy.
2) If I track my calories 5 days out of each week of the month, then I can buy that portable CD/radio I want for my desk at work.

We are focusing on developing healthy habits. We are not necessarily focusing on losing pounds. In fact, as Meredith puts it, "Losing weight will be just a good side effect," if we develop these habits. We are going to focus on a few each month. We are going to write down all the positive steps we take so we can see we are headed in the right direction to a healthier lifestyle, even if we don't lose any weight.

We are also not expecting to be perfect. We know there will be days where we will not meet our goals. And that is OK. That is why the rewards are not set up to receive if we do our goals EVERY day of the month. We are only expecting 5 days out of the week.

"I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; pefection is God's business." Michael J. Fox

The Beauties

Tonight, Meredith and I are meeting to discuss being accountability/encourager partners. We both want to lose weight and have a healthier lifestyle. So, I called her and asked if she wanted to meet once a month to discuss goals and sort of keep each other accountable. She thought it sounded like a good idea. So, tonight is the first meeting! I have temporarily called our little club "The Beauties." As in, we are beautiful!! Even though I want to lose weight, I think it is important to understand that skinny does NOT = beautiful. I have grown up with this idea in my head, and I want to change that philosophy. I need to believe that I am beautiful no matter what happens to my body. Because when I believe that, then I will have the confidence to make changes in my life. Or better yet, and this is going to sound corny and resembling a make-up commercial, I will believe that I am worth it. I will believe that my body is a beautiful piece of work that God created, and I should respect that body and treat it right.

2007

My 2007 Resolutions!

Join a church. Mitch and I have been attending a church off and on for over a year but haven't joined. There is no excuse. We have gone through a lot this year (i.e. my back surgery and Mitch working out of town over the summer). But there is still no excuse.

Continue on the path of developing healthy habits. If you read more of my blogs, you will hear more about this. But let me just say this. For the past 16 years, my resolution has been to lose weight. And every year, as I write down my resolution, I gulp down my helping of guilt because I have failed to lose those unwanted pounds. Well this year is different. I did not fail last year! I began to develop healthier habits. I have begun to look at food differently. And every little bit counts. So this year, no guilt. Notice the word "continue." I am not starting over. I am continuing on this path.

Correspondence. I think about my friends and family all the time. But I rarely share with them what and when I think about them. This year I am going to attempt to change that. Maybe when I think about someone I will pick up the phone or write a quick note to them.

Put up curtains. Mitch and I have lived in our house for almost 2 years and still don't have curtains!

Work on the yard. Hopefully, my back will cooperate with me and I can spend more time outside making our pitiful yard a little more appealing to the eyes.