Depression, Pregnancy & Motherhood

Depression is a part of my past. I am not ashamed of it because winning the battle over depression is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It has shaped who I am today. But the possibility of depression returning will follow me around forever. When I went through counseling, I learned about signs of depression and coping mechanisms. I also learned how to read my own body. I know now that the signs of depression are loss of appetite, feelings of hopelessness or "things will never get better", feeling out of control, anxiety with no logical reason behind it, lack of energy, not getting pleasure out of things I normally enjoy, and insomnia. Well, for the past few weeks off and on, I have been suffering from insomnia. Now normally insomnia and anxiety and/or feelings of hopelessness fall hand and hand. This insomnia is different. I don't wake up panicked or with any type of hopelessness mentality. I just wake up in the middle of the night and am wide awake. This makes me think this insomnia is pregnant related and not depression related. However, because I have trained myself to be on the lookout for any depression signs, it is hard for me to just shrug it off as nothing. So far I have had no other symptoms, thankfully.

Depression has been on my mind lately because I am concerned about postpartum depression. My pregnancy book says you are more likely to have postpartum depression if:
depression runs in their family (check!)
you have had depression problems in the past (check!).
At my next OB appointment, I am going to bring this up with my doctor just so everyone knows that it is a possibility. Another area of concern for me is that I know my #1 trigger for depression is lack of sleep. And we all know parents of a newborn get very little sleep. And this brings me to yet another area of concern - breastfeeding. I really want to breastfeed, but if I need to get on anti-depressives, I am not sure I will be able to continue nursing.

So those are my concerns. Now I need to do the hard thing and not worry about them! I know it is a possibility. And I think it is important that everyone, especially Mitch and my doctor, be aware of this. But I do NOT want to sit and worry about it. Because you know what worrying can do? It can cause a depressive episode!! I know - crazy. That reminds me of the side effects of my migraine medicine I take (when I am not pregnant, of course). One the side effects is a headache! There is a fine line of being aware of a potential problem and worrying about a potential problem. Hopefully I won't (or haven't already) cross the line. As my mother-in-law wisely said, worrying is ALWAYS a choice.

Baby Registry Blues

Okay, so I have set up a registry at Target. It was a very long, frustrating process. Let me first say this - I LOVE registries when I am purchasing a gift. It takes all the guess work out of getting a gift for someone. However, registering is a slightly different story. Picking out baby things is entirely different than registering for wedding things. When I was engaged, I had so much fun registering! But I already knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted stainless steel cookware; I knew I wanted simple, but elegant china; I knew I didn't care about having silver. But I know NOTHING about baby stuff. And there are so many choices! For someone who has the slight tendency to over analyze, this has been quite a process. After it took me forty-five minutes of online research just to choose a bouncer, I asked for Mitch's opinion and got the "you're thinking about this too much, Tonya" look. I had to laugh because I realized he was absolutely right. So did I choose a bouncer? Yes. Am I absolutely set on it? No. And I have the right to change my mind. Bless Mitch and his patience.