Pain in the Back

Today marks the one year anniversary of that fateful day when the disc in my back herniated. Wow, a lot can happen in one year. That is the worst pain I have experienced . It would be 3 long months of physical therapy and chiropractors before we finally decided surgery was the only solution. Oddly enough, a week after my back injury, my father had major back surgery. He had been suffering for several years with back pain, and had recently seen a physician here in Birmingham who told him he needed surgery. Needless to say, my dad and I (and our spouses) had a rough year. I am thankful that my dad and I are pain-free this year!

My Alter Ego

One of my favorite quotes from FRIENDS, is when Monica says, "I need to do this for the fat girl inside of me. I never let her eat!" I adopted that quote a couple of years ago to represent my own battle with weight loss. Anyone who has talked to me lately has probably heard me refer to the "Fat Tonya." No, I don't have multiple personality disorder. But I find it helpful to compartmentalize my negative self image, inability to control my cravings, and overall feeling of failure for not losing weight. I discovered that Fat Tonya (F.T.) lies to me to get what she wants. And what does F.T. want? She wants to be fat, of course! Here are some lies F.T. tells me:

You blew it at lunch eating fast food. You might as well blow it for the rest of the day.

You are really hungry. You need to eat more than one serving to compensate.

You are stressed right now. You need to eat something bad to feel better.

Don't pay attention to what people regard as "healthy." Everyone says something different, so you might as well just eat what you want.

You don't want to be regarded as a "health nut."

You are ugly because you are overweight.


You know you will never succeed, so you might as well quit now.

And there are many, many more. These are the feelings that I face almost on a daily basis. It took me years (yes, I mean years) to just discover that these lies existed, AND to be able to pinpoint specific lies.


So, this weekend I discovered another lie. It ties into a lot of the ones mentioned above, but I think it deserves to be by itself. The lie is, "It is impossible to eat healthy at home when you are working full-time." This is the lie that F.T. says when I'm at the grocery store. And F.T. has it partly right on this one. It IS hard to cook dinner every night when I don't get home until 6:00 to begin with. I mean, sometimes you just have to break out the "Skillet Sensation" even though it is loaded with unhealthy carbs and sugar. However, I have come up with a way to sort of get around this issue. I cook the "Skillet Sensation." But, instead of having the 1 cup serving like it suggests on the nutrition facts, I eat 1/2 cup of the "Skillet Sensation" and fill up on frozen veggies that are easy to cook. Now, some people will read this and say, "Well, duh!" But these ideas don't come easily for me. For 15 some-odd years, my mind has been developing F.T. and her lies. And for 15 years I have been listening to her without even acknowledging her existence. So, the fact that I can coherently write down what F.T. is telling me and find ways to prove her wrong, is a HUGE step. I can feel F.T. losing her strength. She still has a lot of fight in her, but slowly and surely, she is fading. Last week is a perfect example. Remember the chocolate bar? Well, I didn't eat it in one sitting. I actually had a 1/3 of a bar each day for three days!! I bought my pullover as my reward (read Chocolate Battle). One of these days, I will proudly be able to stand up with a carrot in my hand, look in the mirror and declare,
"Be gone, Fat Tonya!"

Living in Style

Tomorrow, God willing, our new living room furniture will be delivered! Let me tell you how excited I am. The furniture we did have in the living room were hand-me-downs that were proabably close to 30 years old. We have been saving money for this, and it has finally arrived (or will, tomorrow)! We bought a chocolate-brown leather couch and matching recliner. And we bought a coffee table and matching end tables.

Woohoo!

Chocolate Battle

Yesterday at lunch, I bought a big, Dove dark chocolate bar. The package says that 1/3 of the bar is one serving. Now, I can eat one of those bars in one sitting without blinking. But I am trying to teach myself the art of "moderation." So, I made a deal with myself. If I can make this chocolate bar (that is currently in my desk drawer) last 3 days, with only eating one serving each day, then this weekend I will buy this pullover I have my eye on. So far, so good. I only had 1/3 of it yesterday. Now I just need to make it through today.

This is why I don't like diets. Diets don't teach you anything. Sure, I can lay off the carbs or fat ( or whatever the diet says is bad) for a few weeks and lose weight. Anyone can do that. But then, after a few weeks when my motivation is shot and I "cheat," I go right back to my old eating habits. I was on the South Beach Diet last year. I had been doing so well. I hadn't cheated once! And then, about 3 or 4 weeks into it, I had a bad day and ate a cheeseburger and fries from Wendy's. I sat in my car and cried while I ate it. Dieting is not the answer. All I feel like when I'm on a diet is that I'm depriving myself. I want to create a healthy lifestyle - not just a diet. To me, a diet is like a "get rich, quick" scheme. And a healthy lifestyle is like a long-term investment plan.

I wish I was one of those people that doesn't struggle with their eating habits. Yes, they have a chocolate bar every once in a blue moon, or eat a little more than usual over the holidays, but on a daily basis, they eat well. They don't have to focus on cutting out carbs or fat or sugar. They just eat well and don't over-do it. If they aren't hungry and someone offers them some cake, they say, "No, thank you." And they don't look back. Food is a HUGE part of my life. I think about it all the time. Do you think I forgot about that chocolate bar yesterday after I had my serving? No way. In fact, I thought about it this morning in the shower. I'm thinking about it right now. Getting healthy is so hard for me and is going to take a long time. Each day is a battle.

And the Nominees are...

Oscar nominations were announced yesterday!! I know you all are excited. Here is my first impression of who might win the major categories.

Note: These are not my final picks. I have the right to change my mind. I also haven't seen a lot of these movies, so my guesses are sometimes solely based on reviews I have read. I will update when I have had a chance to investigate further. I also want to make this distinction: these are movies I think will win; not necessarily movies I think should win. I am not automatically giving these movies a "good review" by saying they might win.

Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

Best Director
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu - Babel
Martin Scorsese - The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima - Clint Eastwood
Stephen Frears - The Queen
Paul Greengrass - United 93

Best Actor in a Leading Role
Leonardo DiCaprio - Blood Diamond
Ryan Gosling - Half Nelson
Peter O'Toole - Venus
Will Smith - The Pursuit of Happyness
Forest Whitaker - The Last King of Scotland

Best Actress in a Leading Role
Penelope Cruz - Volver
Judi Dench - Notes on a Scandal
Helen Mirren - The Queen
Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada
Kate Winslet - Little Children

Best Actor in a Supporting Role
Alan Arkin - Little Miss Sunshine
Jackie Earle Haley - Little Children
Djimon Hounsou - Blood Diamond
Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls
Mark Wahlberg - The Departed

Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Adriana Barraza - Babel
Cate Blanchett - Notes on a Scandal
Abigail Breslin - Little Miss Sunshine
Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls
Rinko Kikuchi - Babel

(All information found on http://www.oscars.org)

Will you be my neighbor?

I was amused this morning when I got to work, because I realized that I reminded myself of Mr. Rogers.

Do you remember the beginning of Mr. Rogers' show? He would come into his house, take off his jacket, hang it up, get his cardigan off the rack, put it on, and sit down. This always sort of puzzled me as a kid. Why did he take one jacket off, just to put another one on? I always found that to be sort of unrealistic. I mean, my dad never did that (and, when you are a kid, you think your parents are normal, and the rest of the world is weird. It isn't until you are older that you realize your parents are weird right along with everyone else.) Well, this morning, I realized I am Mr. Rogers. Every morning, when I come to work, I take off my jacket, hang it up, take my sweater off of the back of my chair, put it on, and sit down.

Hehe, that amuses me :)

Baby Steps

I didn't dig into the trash for those M&Ms. In fact, after about an hour, I even forgot about them for awhile!

Here is an update on my goals for this month:
Drink 64 ounces of water each day: The past 2 days are the FIRST days I have drunk all 64 ounces of water. The good news is that even though I didn't reach 64 ounces on the other days, I got really close on most of those days. And, I didn't drink Coke or anything else. I think I overshot thinking I could just immediately be able to drink 64 ounces every day.

Track my calories each day: I have only kept up with my calories 3 days out of the month. Again, I think I overshot. Keeping up with calories is not an easy task when you aren't used to doing it.

Does this mean I have failed? A year or two ago, I would have said yes. In fact, I wouldn't have told anyone about the goals. And I certainly wouldn't have admitted that I hadn't kept up with the goals. This year is different. Two years ago, I would have been drinking Coke instead of water. A year ago, the thought of keeping up with my calories sounded impossible. Baby steps. And no matter how small, these are steps in the right direction.