Inducing

Being almost 39 weeks pregnant is the strangest sensation. I feel like I have a bowling ball in my lap. I am so thankful that I am not working right now. I am certain that not working has helped me in this last stage of pregnancy. I salute all women who work up until they deliver.

Mitch and I have decided not to have me induced next week. My doctor gave us the choice, although he did say he doesn't normally advise inducing before the due date. We didn't bring the topic up. I guess he gets that request a lot, so he just gives the choice to everyone. Or maybe he assumed we wanted to try to get her here before the new year. The more I think about it, the more I am happy with our decision not to be induced next week. My due date isn't until Saturday, the 29th. This is going to sound silly, but inducing before then sounds like cheating. Now if there was a medical reason why I needed to deliver, that would be a completely different story. But just to do it out of convenience just doesn't seem right. Plus, I kind of like bringing back the element of surprise. When am I going to go into labor? It is fun to not know - at least for now. I might be singing a different tune next week when the bowling ball weighs more.

Blogging Habit

Why can't I get in the habit of keeping up with my blog? I have been trying to analyze this question this morning as I browse my friends' blogs. I feel guilty that A. I haven't kept up with reading my friends' blogs and B. I haven't kept up with my own. So to all of my blogging friends out there, I apologize. I do think about all of you often, and I do have an email relationship with most of you (as you know).

As anyone who knows me, you know that I am a ferocious journal keeper. I write in my journal at least once a week. And since I have not worked, I have been writing in it almost every day. But when it comes to blogging, well, it's just not a habit, I guess. I have come up with one theory of why I can't seem to latch onto the blogging habit. I will discuss this briefly, and then I will stop my analyzing because it is exhausting.

Theory:
Years and years ago when I first started to journal, I saw my journal as a current affairs news story. If I missed a few entries, I would feel the need to try to "update" my journal on all that had happened to me since my last entry. But updating wasn't nearly as fun as just writing my current thoughts and concerns. So, I would quickly give up. In college, I had an epiphany. My journal is MY journal. I don't have to update it - I can just write what is on my mind at the time, even if I haven't written in it in six months. When I realized this, I was free to write whatever I wanted. This, ironically, helped me write in it more because I wasn't tied down to the boring updating. Okay, so maybe the same thing is happening here! I feel the need to update. If I haven't blogged in a month or two and just jumped in and started talking about my current thoughts, you wouldn't understand it because I haven't been keeping everyone updated on what is going on in my life. So I guess I should just stop updating. If you don't understand something I write, you can ask me and I will clarify. But for now on, I am just going to write. And I just realized after re-reading this paragraph that most of you will probably think I am clinically insane when you read this. Oh well.

Today is my weekly OB doctor's appointment. We will see if I am any more dilated or effaced. Everybody keeps asking me how I feel. I also get sympathetic looks when I am waddling out in public. But to be honest, being this pregnant is not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Yes, I get out of breath very easily, and it is very uncomfortable to get behind the wheel (which is what a husband is for :), but I am not so miserable that I am cranky like Rachel was on Friends, Season 8. I tell you one thing, though. The heartburn is horrible! Although that problem has been better the last couple of days, so that is a major relief. Maybe that means Madelyn has dropped some! Getting up to pee three times a night is getting really, really old.

Depression, Pregnancy & Motherhood

Depression is a part of my past. I am not ashamed of it because winning the battle over depression is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It has shaped who I am today. But the possibility of depression returning will follow me around forever. When I went through counseling, I learned about signs of depression and coping mechanisms. I also learned how to read my own body. I know now that the signs of depression are loss of appetite, feelings of hopelessness or "things will never get better", feeling out of control, anxiety with no logical reason behind it, lack of energy, not getting pleasure out of things I normally enjoy, and insomnia. Well, for the past few weeks off and on, I have been suffering from insomnia. Now normally insomnia and anxiety and/or feelings of hopelessness fall hand and hand. This insomnia is different. I don't wake up panicked or with any type of hopelessness mentality. I just wake up in the middle of the night and am wide awake. This makes me think this insomnia is pregnant related and not depression related. However, because I have trained myself to be on the lookout for any depression signs, it is hard for me to just shrug it off as nothing. So far I have had no other symptoms, thankfully.

Depression has been on my mind lately because I am concerned about postpartum depression. My pregnancy book says you are more likely to have postpartum depression if:
depression runs in their family (check!)
you have had depression problems in the past (check!).
At my next OB appointment, I am going to bring this up with my doctor just so everyone knows that it is a possibility. Another area of concern for me is that I know my #1 trigger for depression is lack of sleep. And we all know parents of a newborn get very little sleep. And this brings me to yet another area of concern - breastfeeding. I really want to breastfeed, but if I need to get on anti-depressives, I am not sure I will be able to continue nursing.

So those are my concerns. Now I need to do the hard thing and not worry about them! I know it is a possibility. And I think it is important that everyone, especially Mitch and my doctor, be aware of this. But I do NOT want to sit and worry about it. Because you know what worrying can do? It can cause a depressive episode!! I know - crazy. That reminds me of the side effects of my migraine medicine I take (when I am not pregnant, of course). One the side effects is a headache! There is a fine line of being aware of a potential problem and worrying about a potential problem. Hopefully I won't (or haven't already) cross the line. As my mother-in-law wisely said, worrying is ALWAYS a choice.

Baby Registry Blues

Okay, so I have set up a registry at Target. It was a very long, frustrating process. Let me first say this - I LOVE registries when I am purchasing a gift. It takes all the guess work out of getting a gift for someone. However, registering is a slightly different story. Picking out baby things is entirely different than registering for wedding things. When I was engaged, I had so much fun registering! But I already knew what I wanted. I knew I wanted stainless steel cookware; I knew I wanted simple, but elegant china; I knew I didn't care about having silver. But I know NOTHING about baby stuff. And there are so many choices! For someone who has the slight tendency to over analyze, this has been quite a process. After it took me forty-five minutes of online research just to choose a bouncer, I asked for Mitch's opinion and got the "you're thinking about this too much, Tonya" look. I had to laugh because I realized he was absolutely right. So did I choose a bouncer? Yes. Am I absolutely set on it? No. And I have the right to change my mind. Bless Mitch and his patience.

Nursery

The nursery is on it's way! The painting is done and the carpet was professionally cleaned yesterday. My three nursery furniture items I recently ordered online have all shipped: the crib, the changing table/dresser, and glider. We received the glider yesterday. Once Mitch puts all those things together, I'll take a picture of the room with the furniture in it! I have no amazing insights today except that Leo graciously decided to help me get an idea of what it will be like to be kept up all night by the baby. He meowed, jumped up on stuff he wasn't supposed to, and banged on doors most of the night last night. Actually I think he was getting me back for having him locked up in our room while the carpet cleaners cleaned the living room yesterday.

Movie Recommendation

I watched Akeelah and the Bee yesterday and found it very enjoyable. It came out last year, so some of you may have seen it. Akeelah is a middle school African American studen from South L.A. that aspires to go to the national spelling bee in D.C. It is a "feel good - you can do anything once you put your mind to it" kind of movie. The cast includes Laurence Fishburne and Angela Bassett. Check it out!



http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0437800/



BTW: Want to know where I gain all my movie knowledge (and where this link above will take you to)? It is imdb.com (internet movie database). It is awesome.

Out of the Habit

My cousin just sent me a link to her new blog and it inspired me to start blogging again. Of course, by now everyone has stopped checking to see if I have posted, so it will be like talking to myself. Maybe if I can get in the habit again, I'll let people know I'm still here and gain my once interested public! :)

One of the main reasons I couldn't get into blogging for awhile is because when I found out I was pregnant back in April (I was actually pregnant when I posted my last entry, but I didn't know know yet :), I didn't feel comfortable writing about the pregnancy until I was further along. But being pregnant was ALL I was thinking about, reading about, dreaming about. So it was hard to come up with anything else. Plus, most of you who know me well know that I keep a private written journal that I have had for many years. My journaling needs are met by this journal. So, I got out of the habit of blogging, and before I knew it, it had been six months. Oh well.

Today is the day that I am finally going to finish painting the nursery! Back on Labor Day weekend, my mom, Mitch, my friend Meredith and I painted the walls. But I have been doing touch ups and painting the doors and baseboards on my own. I have been painting a little every day for two reasons: one so that I won't be in a room all day with paint fumes and another so I won't be on my feet all day and potentially straining my back. It has drawn out the process a lot, so I am very excited that will be over today! All I have left is the baseboards on two walls. Baseboards don't take long to paint, I have discovered.

I am going to order the baby furniture online now that I am done painting. I am ordering a crib, changing table/dresser and rocker from Target.com. The furniture is black which will look sharp in my light, pastel colored nursery. The walls are a light, mint green and the bedding and curtains are going to be lavender. I love green and purple together. I am then going to use brighter colored polka dots as accents on the bedding and walls to make it a little more "whimsical." I hope Madelyn will like it :)

I am enjoying being home right now. And I know I will look back on this time and be glad I had this time of leisure before Madelyn was born. I have been in an organizing frenzy lately. Back in July, Mitch and I had a yard sale with our friends Meredith and Andy. I went through all our clothes, books, movies and CDs then. But last week, I did it again. I am finally learning how to let go of things. I am determined to not be a pack rat. Clutter stresses me out. Through all this, I have also learned that going to the library to get books, especially fiction, is the best way to go. It is a waste of money to buy books at the new release price when I could find the same book at a yard sale in a year or two for a dollar. Because I enjoy literature so much, I like to have it in my house. But my house does not have to be Barnes & Noble. I can keep the books that really made an impact in my life and not hold onto those bestsellers I really enjoyed when they came out but now have lost their charm. It is interesting to see how my thought processes change over time. I think part of that is just growing up and maturing. And I think part of it is learning from my mistakes.